Caffeine-related disorder

Received a funny email today about Caffeine-related disorders.

In the clinician’s handbook for diagnosing mental disorders (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, known as the DSM-IV-TR), caffeine-related disorders are classified under the category of substance-related disorders. DSM-IV-TR specifies four caffeine-related disorders:

  • caffeine intoxication
  • caffeine-induced anxiety disorder
  • caffeine-induced sleep disorder
  • caffeine related disorder not otherwise specified

What a pantload of crap!

It’s true that caffeine is a mild drug with euphoric symptoms, which can be abused. Those who drink more than a cup or two a day are caught in some cycle of highs and lows. And over the long term, coffee is bad for your adrenal gland and other internal organs.

All these things are known–any Chiropractor or Natural Doctor will tell you about the horrors of caffeine.

And yet — that first cup of java in the morning is heavenly.

You know, psychiatrists should just vote into existence another few thousand disorders making every human thought, every feeling and every emotion a disorder of some kind. And of course each one must have its own drug to counter it, that only psychiatrists are allowed to make kickbacks from prescribe. And of course only Big Pharma can be trusted to make billions more in profits from selling these dangerous, unproven and mostly unworkable drugs to their hapless victims know what’s best for us.

I guess we can all stand idle while Big Pharma and their puppets the psychiatrists drug 8 million kids with highly-addictive Ritalin (a drug very similar to cocaine), but when they start calling our sacred coffee a disorder, we will have to rise up as one and throw off their chains, clear our heads with a big cuppa joe, and start rounding up the psychiatrists, institutionalizing their crazy asses, and giving them and the drug company execs some of their own drugs.

On second thought, that’s a fate worse than death–maybe that’s too harsh a penalty.

Maybe we should just withhold coffee from them.

One Response to Caffeine-related disorder

  1. desim April 30, 2008 at 2:45 pm #

    I personally have some caffeine-related ORDER. I don’t know about the rest of you, but life without coffee would give me some disorders. ;)

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